The Appearance of Normal
Among other things I have Tourette Syndrome and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. These often go hand-in-hand, and are a far more common combination than one might at first think. I can't say that these define who I am any more than being left-handed does. But they do play a role in who I am and what I do.
Unfortunately not everyone can look past this and see the person underneath. This is one of the reasons why I supress my tics when I'm in public, and why I try to hide the compulsions that sometimes rule what I do.
Please don't be fooled into thinking that because I can supress them that I can turn them off or make them stop. I can't. I can, for a time, keep them from happening. But it is like trying to hold back the water in a dam. The more you hold it back, the higher the water rises and the higher the pressure. When the dam finally bursts, it can be a flood far worse than anything the river might have been able to produce on its own. And so it is with tics. I can supress for a time, but then they come back worse than ever.
Some people I know I don't have to supress around, some I know I do. It can be difficult when I am in mixed company, so to speak, or when I have to spend a great deal of time around people who would not understand. It makes it even worse when there literally is no way to escape being under judging eyes.
After a time it becomes impossible for me to produce the appearance of normality and the tics flood forth. Every time this happens I fear what will come of it.
The place where I work has two work sites. One is close to where everyone lives and the other is remote. The only way to get to the remote work site is to drive in a company vehicle with everyone else who's on shift that day. The remote site is in a very harsh environment that takes a toll on everyone who works there. People get nauseous, exhausted, dehydrated, etc. For me this is compounded by the tics. It interferes with my ability to suppress them, and uses up energy far faster than I would at the other work site. The result is that by the end of the day I'm a ticcing wreck.
Enough people have odd enough behavior at the remote site that almost no one bats an eye at this. Almost. One of my co workers refused to allow me to drive at the end of the day because they said I was loco. Not entirely true. I'm not crazy, just neurologically different. And truth be told I'm a better driver than they are even when I'm wracked by full body tics. (Case in point: Never ever slam on the brakes halfway through a downhill hairpin turn. This is guranteed to lose you control over the vehicle. My co worker has yet to learn this.)
It's exhausting trying to appear normal, even when it's important to do so. I wish I lived in a world where people could just accept the things around them without passing judgement. I know I never will because homo sapiens is a judging species. But one can hope.
Unfortunately not everyone can look past this and see the person underneath. This is one of the reasons why I supress my tics when I'm in public, and why I try to hide the compulsions that sometimes rule what I do.
Please don't be fooled into thinking that because I can supress them that I can turn them off or make them stop. I can't. I can, for a time, keep them from happening. But it is like trying to hold back the water in a dam. The more you hold it back, the higher the water rises and the higher the pressure. When the dam finally bursts, it can be a flood far worse than anything the river might have been able to produce on its own. And so it is with tics. I can supress for a time, but then they come back worse than ever.
Some people I know I don't have to supress around, some I know I do. It can be difficult when I am in mixed company, so to speak, or when I have to spend a great deal of time around people who would not understand. It makes it even worse when there literally is no way to escape being under judging eyes.
After a time it becomes impossible for me to produce the appearance of normality and the tics flood forth. Every time this happens I fear what will come of it.
The place where I work has two work sites. One is close to where everyone lives and the other is remote. The only way to get to the remote work site is to drive in a company vehicle with everyone else who's on shift that day. The remote site is in a very harsh environment that takes a toll on everyone who works there. People get nauseous, exhausted, dehydrated, etc. For me this is compounded by the tics. It interferes with my ability to suppress them, and uses up energy far faster than I would at the other work site. The result is that by the end of the day I'm a ticcing wreck.
Enough people have odd enough behavior at the remote site that almost no one bats an eye at this. Almost. One of my co workers refused to allow me to drive at the end of the day because they said I was loco. Not entirely true. I'm not crazy, just neurologically different. And truth be told I'm a better driver than they are even when I'm wracked by full body tics. (Case in point: Never ever slam on the brakes halfway through a downhill hairpin turn. This is guranteed to lose you control over the vehicle. My co worker has yet to learn this.)
It's exhausting trying to appear normal, even when it's important to do so. I wish I lived in a world where people could just accept the things around them without passing judgement. I know I never will because homo sapiens is a judging species. But one can hope.
posted by pencil at 9:46 PM
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