Unsent Letter #2 - No Date
I called the corporate mental services hotline and got phone-screened by a health professional. She made an appointment, and I talked to a counselor later in the week.
I've got another appointment for next Tuesday at 9:45pm, and she's working on getting me a slot with a psychiatrist. Not sure if that's going to be a full-on eval or if it's pharmaceutical follow-up. We'll find out.
Doing better. Able to laugh a little. Was in quite a good mood thismorning, but it crashed later in the day. I was bitched out in the first thirty minutes of my being at work.
I saw a movie last night: Insomnia. In the end, the main character, who has not slept the entire movie, is fatally wounded. Another character is telling him to hold on, not give up. And he says, "Just let me sleep,"and closes his eyes.
I know you're supposed to be hoping he pulls through, but I was screaming inside, "LET HIM GO!" He wanted to die! It's weird being familiar withthat feeling. I'm not entirely sure I'm glad to have that new perspective. It's a tough one.
Anyway, the counselor started me on two kinds of therapy, and wants to start a third. She's doing office sessions (likely to switch over to the psychiatrist when that time comes). She's also got me reading a bookcalled "Feeling Good" that's essentially CBT for depression. No problem
convincing me of its effectiveness. Works with OCD, should work with depression. The third is she'd like to start me on antidepressants, and key them in with something that would also treat OCD. This way it's two birds with one stone (as opposed to one bird with multiple stones, which is often what happens when treating stuff like this.)
I'm not sure how I feel about all this. Part of me (a BIG part) still thinks my family would be a lot better off if I bit it and they got the insurance money. Paying off the house and cars alone would set them up on their financial feet. I mean, their monthly out of pocket would go from
about $4k to about $1k in one fell swoop. I'd at least be useful. I'd do SOMETHING of merit that way. The way things are going right now, I just don't feel like I'm doing much to be proud of.
It's still weird to walk around here after knowing I tried to kill myself, no matter how much I botched it. Part of me died Saturday. It's gone. My feet move, but there's part of me that's not moving with them.
The hardest thing is that I can't tell anyone. I'm sorry, finding out someone you know has tried to kill themselves just 100% changes how you feel about them. It does. If my spouse knew they were married to someone who had actively tried to kill themselves while the whole familly was playing in another room, you can't tell me they wouldn't have doubts about the person. If my father knew I'd done this, how would he feel? I doubt very much if he'd ostracize me. But I don't know if he'd 100% understand, either. Maybe he would. I don't know. My brother and sister? I can't even begin to say. I don't know them that well any more.
Tell my friends at that job I'm trying to get? Oh hell, kiss my chances of employment goodbye.
And that's partly what's bugging me. I *KNOW* for *CERTAIN* that had they picked me for the OMT position, I'd have been fine. I'd have self-worth. I'd have helped my family. I'd have made a difference. I'd be able to point at something and say, "Look! I HAVE done something of merit." But they didn't. And the hiring manager hasn't even called to tell me to fuck off. The other guy got the job weeks ago. The other guy accepted it a week and a half ago. The TO job is going to close without my even having been given the choice. I don't know when I'll be told. I don't even know if.
Some small part of me is hoping they're looking for headcount to get me a job out there. Some small part of me keeps thinking they're trying to work something out so they get to keep me AND the other guy. Some small part ofme is seriously setting myself up for getting fucked in the head when I finally do talk to the hiring manager and find out from the horse's mouth.
Finding out they hired the other guy is pretty much what set me up to try to kill myself Saturday.
I've got another appointment for next Tuesday at 9:45pm, and she's working on getting me a slot with a psychiatrist. Not sure if that's going to be a full-on eval or if it's pharmaceutical follow-up. We'll find out.
Doing better. Able to laugh a little. Was in quite a good mood thismorning, but it crashed later in the day. I was bitched out in the first thirty minutes of my being at work.
I saw a movie last night: Insomnia. In the end, the main character, who has not slept the entire movie, is fatally wounded. Another character is telling him to hold on, not give up. And he says, "Just let me sleep,"and closes his eyes.
I know you're supposed to be hoping he pulls through, but I was screaming inside, "LET HIM GO!" He wanted to die! It's weird being familiar withthat feeling. I'm not entirely sure I'm glad to have that new perspective. It's a tough one.
Anyway, the counselor started me on two kinds of therapy, and wants to start a third. She's doing office sessions (likely to switch over to the psychiatrist when that time comes). She's also got me reading a bookcalled "Feeling Good" that's essentially CBT for depression. No problem
convincing me of its effectiveness. Works with OCD, should work with depression. The third is she'd like to start me on antidepressants, and key them in with something that would also treat OCD. This way it's two birds with one stone (as opposed to one bird with multiple stones, which is often what happens when treating stuff like this.)
I'm not sure how I feel about all this. Part of me (a BIG part) still thinks my family would be a lot better off if I bit it and they got the insurance money. Paying off the house and cars alone would set them up on their financial feet. I mean, their monthly out of pocket would go from
about $4k to about $1k in one fell swoop. I'd at least be useful. I'd do SOMETHING of merit that way. The way things are going right now, I just don't feel like I'm doing much to be proud of.
It's still weird to walk around here after knowing I tried to kill myself, no matter how much I botched it. Part of me died Saturday. It's gone. My feet move, but there's part of me that's not moving with them.
The hardest thing is that I can't tell anyone. I'm sorry, finding out someone you know has tried to kill themselves just 100% changes how you feel about them. It does. If my spouse knew they were married to someone who had actively tried to kill themselves while the whole familly was playing in another room, you can't tell me they wouldn't have doubts about the person. If my father knew I'd done this, how would he feel? I doubt very much if he'd ostracize me. But I don't know if he'd 100% understand, either. Maybe he would. I don't know. My brother and sister? I can't even begin to say. I don't know them that well any more.
Tell my friends at that job I'm trying to get? Oh hell, kiss my chances of employment goodbye.
And that's partly what's bugging me. I *KNOW* for *CERTAIN* that had they picked me for the OMT position, I'd have been fine. I'd have self-worth. I'd have helped my family. I'd have made a difference. I'd be able to point at something and say, "Look! I HAVE done something of merit." But they didn't. And the hiring manager hasn't even called to tell me to fuck off. The other guy got the job weeks ago. The other guy accepted it a week and a half ago. The TO job is going to close without my even having been given the choice. I don't know when I'll be told. I don't even know if.
Some small part of me is hoping they're looking for headcount to get me a job out there. Some small part of me keeps thinking they're trying to work something out so they get to keep me AND the other guy. Some small part ofme is seriously setting myself up for getting fucked in the head when I finally do talk to the hiring manager and find out from the horse's mouth.
Finding out they hired the other guy is pretty much what set me up to try to kill myself Saturday.
posted by pencil at 7:59 PM
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