Tuesday, October 05, 2004

On to Other Topics

Lest you get the impression that I am a morose individual who spends the time available to me contemplating dark and dismal things, I'll take this opportunity to move on to other topics, many of which are of much more interest to me personally than the contents of the previous four posts.

Among other things I do, I write fiction. I have two stories in progress. They represent my first and second efforts at fiction, one being a science fiction story, the other a fantasy story. Neither is even remotely close to publication, but I'm learning a lot in the process of writing both. My best teacher for this has been the fiction I've read over the years. I can tell when dialog is working in a book I'm reading. I can tell if the scene is set in a way that I can visualize it. I can tell if the structure of a story itself loops back and re-connects enough to really intrigue me as a reader. I aim for all of these in my own writing. I haven't actually come far enough to hit the mark, but it gives me something to shoot for. I honestly can't say if either of these will ever reach publication, but as vehicles for learning the craft, they're doing a good job. And I have a long, long way to go.

As I'm sure you can figure out from previous posts, I'm also a machinist. Considering it as a vice, it's not a bad vice to have (so to speak). I tend to look at things and wonder how they're made, how I would make them if it was up to me, and how I could make them better. For the most part I have to say that the manufactured goods we have available are well thought out. It's tough to come up with a way to make stuff easier, cheaper, etc. But there's always room to make stuff better. There is always the temptation, when something breaks, not simply to repair it, but to improve it. I've done this with a number of things, some of which feed other hobbies of mine. It's addictive, but it is a useful addiction.

One activity that gives me a great deal of pleasure is simply sitting and petting a cat. Cats are intensely sensual, and will throw their entire beings into it. It's difficult to pet a cat and not know whether the cat is enjoying it or not. But what I like best of all is that with a cat there are never strings attached. When the cat is done being petted, they tell you. When they are done with you, they leave. And when you are done with them you can leave as well. Feelings don't get hurt, unspoken assumptions don't exist. It's you and the cat, in this place, at this moment in time. When the moment is over, it's over. The next moment will come in it's own time and at it's own place.

I think this is one reason I have never been able to identify with a dog. With dogs there is hierarchy. There is an order to things. And there is an unspoken rule that all involved understand the hierarchy, understand the order, and will act accordingly. There is also the expectation of responsibility, a burden I find difficult to accept. If you get a cat and neglect it, it will leave in short order. If you get a dog and neglect it, you inflict damage that may never be repaired. I can trust myself to pet a cat. I cannot trust myself to fit into a dog's hierarchichal mind and uphold the responsibilities of the position.

I would list the other things I do besides reading, writing, machining, and petting cats, but the list would be enormous. Unfortunately I have too many interests and too little time.

Friday, October 01, 2004

Unsent Letter #3 - Sunday, 26 May 2003

I found one last letter from this set. Looking back at all of these they seem very self-pitying and wallowy, but do keep in mind that they were written within days after having tried to kill myself, and having failed. In a way I almost regret finding these and posting them, except that in a way it is helping to see them again and remember what frame of mind I was in. In doing this I hope never to find myself there again. The third letter:

If you've never read the Velveteen Rabbit, or if it's been so long that you remember it as a cute heartwarming story full of laughter and adventure, give it a read. Texts are available online, and there are more editions in print than I can count. My favorite imprint is the one with artwork by Donna Green. I get the feeling the book struck a chord with her.

Time was that book wouldn't have touched me. But more and more I identify myself with the rabbit as he's lying in the pile of rubbish, waiting to be burned. I find myself thinking back over happy times I've had, and they seem so far away sometimes, growing so pale with time. And I wonder: Of what use is it all if it all ends like this?

In the next paragraph in the book, the nursery magic Fairy comes to the rabbit, where he's lying broken and torn, and tells him that she comes to toys who have been loved, who are old and worn out, and who the children don't need any more, and takes them away to become Real.

The title of the painting from that page in the Donna Green edition is "I'm Here For You." I have a postcard of that painting with the title on the bottom. I look at it, and read that title a dozen or more times a day. Sometimes I cry when I see it. Because no fairy is coming for me.
Where I stop seeing myself in this story is that the Velveteen Rabbit was worn by the boy's love. But I'm worn by stresses and worries and abuse. I'm worn by a string of managers who do their best to keep me in a stressed state because I "perform better under those conditions." I'm worn because I'm a poor judge of my own abilities and actions, and need to rely on the input of the people around me. I'm worn because I don't know how to say, "I'm at my limit. Please help me." And when I do ask, I'm told no.

The nursery magic Fairy came for the Velveteen Rabbit because the boy's love had made him Real. There aren't fairies for rabbits who get worn out by time and hurt. No one plucks them from the rubbish heap. They're burned with the trash.

Cat Stevens wrote a song called "Trouble". I haven't heard it in years,and didn't really understand it the last time I did. But I never forgot the words:


Trouble
Oh trouble can't you see
You have made me a wreck
Now won't you leave me in my misery
I've seen your eyes
and I can see death's disguise
Hangin' on me
Hangin' on me

It's cold on the rubbish heap.