Depression and Measurement of the Self
I've been rolling in and out of depression again. Today isn't as bad as a week ago, but it's still not fun. I can see triggers better now, but when I'm in the middle of a funk knowing the trigger is more of an academic exercise than it is a clue for how to fix things so I don't wind up depressed again.
The most recent two episodes were triggered by the opinions of others, and the way in which they were expressed to me. Isn't it wonderful being judged? Isn't it even more wonderful to be judged and to receive sentence in full public view? Gosh that makes me feel good.
Part of the problem is that I do have a bleak view of myself. I've known this for years. I can see the worth and merit in others, but never in myself. Maybe this is why narcissistic people simply confuse me. I can't put myself into that mindset so I can't relate. This has caused problems with character developmen when I'm writing, but I digress.
Because I have this blind spot when it comes to self-evaluation, I do rely on the opinions of others far more than I should. I can't tell when I'm being sociable. I can't tell when I'm becoming a hermit. I can't tell when I'm doing well. I can tell when I am not doing well. Since that's the one observation I can make, that's the one I tend to focus on.
I guess another side to this is the whole OCD aspect. I've worked very hard at not applying my hangups to other people. I have to wash my hands. Others don't. I have to clean. Others don't. After watching Sleeping with the Enemy I was bound and determined not to fall into that trap. In the process I fell into another trap, though. I don't apply my OC tendencies to others, but I do apply them to myself.
In looking at what others are doing I can almost always see room for improvement, but I can also give credit for effort and success. In looking at what I'm doing I can always see room for improvement. Because something was not done perfectly it was done poorly. As a result I almost never really take pride or pleasure in a job well-done because by definition it wasn't done as well as it could've been. I'm glad I don't push this off on other people. But I wish I could stop pushing it on myself. It's exhausting.
So when people tell me their opinions of me, I tend to discount the positives because obviously they don't know the whole truth. But I latch onto the negatives because it only justifies what I know to be true. The rational part of me can stand back and call foul, but it's hard to listen to it.
When I do get depressed I get more asocial than I normally am. This tends to make people more critical, which doesn't exactly help matters. Sometimes I wish I could just go somewhere by myself and not have to interact with people on a daily basis. Unfortunately there aren't many places like that left in the world, and I have social ties I cannot sever so easily.
I just wish people could stop judging me for a little while. I do that well enough on my own. I don't need the help. I know I'm flawed. There's no need to tell me. There's certainly no need to rub my face in it.
The most recent two episodes were triggered by the opinions of others, and the way in which they were expressed to me. Isn't it wonderful being judged? Isn't it even more wonderful to be judged and to receive sentence in full public view? Gosh that makes me feel good.
Part of the problem is that I do have a bleak view of myself. I've known this for years. I can see the worth and merit in others, but never in myself. Maybe this is why narcissistic people simply confuse me. I can't put myself into that mindset so I can't relate. This has caused problems with character developmen when I'm writing, but I digress.
Because I have this blind spot when it comes to self-evaluation, I do rely on the opinions of others far more than I should. I can't tell when I'm being sociable. I can't tell when I'm becoming a hermit. I can't tell when I'm doing well. I can tell when I am not doing well. Since that's the one observation I can make, that's the one I tend to focus on.
I guess another side to this is the whole OCD aspect. I've worked very hard at not applying my hangups to other people. I have to wash my hands. Others don't. I have to clean. Others don't. After watching Sleeping with the Enemy I was bound and determined not to fall into that trap. In the process I fell into another trap, though. I don't apply my OC tendencies to others, but I do apply them to myself.
In looking at what others are doing I can almost always see room for improvement, but I can also give credit for effort and success. In looking at what I'm doing I can always see room for improvement. Because something was not done perfectly it was done poorly. As a result I almost never really take pride or pleasure in a job well-done because by definition it wasn't done as well as it could've been. I'm glad I don't push this off on other people. But I wish I could stop pushing it on myself. It's exhausting.
So when people tell me their opinions of me, I tend to discount the positives because obviously they don't know the whole truth. But I latch onto the negatives because it only justifies what I know to be true. The rational part of me can stand back and call foul, but it's hard to listen to it.
When I do get depressed I get more asocial than I normally am. This tends to make people more critical, which doesn't exactly help matters. Sometimes I wish I could just go somewhere by myself and not have to interact with people on a daily basis. Unfortunately there aren't many places like that left in the world, and I have social ties I cannot sever so easily.
I just wish people could stop judging me for a little while. I do that well enough on my own. I don't need the help. I know I'm flawed. There's no need to tell me. There's certainly no need to rub my face in it.
posted by pencil at 10:12 AM
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